Jokes
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A Cowboy was going deer |
6692 views
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Category: Blonde Jokes
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A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him! |
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A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop |
2293 views
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Category: Blonde Jokes
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A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?” “Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!” |
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In the opera |
6220 views
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Category: Childrens Jokes
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In the opera,
“Daddy, why is the man in black beating that woman?”
“He is not beating her. This is the orchestra conductor.”
“Then why is she screaming so much?” |
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Burglary |
6655 views
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Category: Childrens Jokes
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Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks. |
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Funny stuff |
5839 views
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Category: Animal Jokes
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The wolf put an advertisement in a paper:
"I sell three houses - a straw house, a wood house and a brick house … and 300 pounds fresh pork."
"Everyone has own taste", said the dog and licked his ass.
"I made a mistake again!" said the hedgehog and got down from the brush hair. |
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Q & A |
5774 views
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Category: Animal Jokes
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Q: What did one flea say to the other flea?
A: Shall we walk or take a dog? |
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Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town |
5922 views
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Category: Scenario Jokes
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Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.
"Good work!" says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher's outstretched hand.
After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, "What was that all about?"
The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it.
Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints came onto my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop.
Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped.
So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."
Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.
After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.
Suddenly, Bill says, "Hey, Mike, look."
"Not now," says Mike, "I'm busy."
Bill tugs on Mike's sleeve and says, "Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this."
"Not now!" Mike says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?"
Bill's voice starts to waver. "Mike, please, just look!"
Mike stops what he's doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves -- at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.
Mike takes in the sight and gasps: "Oh, my God... We're gonna be rich!" |
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when |
5879 views
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Category: Scenario Jokes
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.
But Mom", "Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?" |
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Holmes and Watson |
5812 views
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Category: People Jokes
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Holmes and Watson was having dinner. Sherlock Holmes asked the
doctor, “Well, Watson, what do you think about Baskervilles dog?”
"It’s delicious, Holmes! Can I have some more?" |
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In the evening. |
5839 views
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Category: People Jokes
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A woman was walking in the park. Suddenly she heard a male voice behind her, “Stop!”
She stopped.
“Lie down!”
She lay down. After a while a man approached.
“Madam, are you okay? I’m playing with the dog here and when I turned back I saw you lying on the ground.” |
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My wife and I were watching some TV show the |
5432 views
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Category: Female Jokes
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My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact “cheating” on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that. She said, “Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya.” |
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I’ve never been much on fashion |
5388 views
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Category: Female Jokes
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I’ve never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a new sports jacket I wore to work one day. My secretary asked me where I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife. I went home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair. |
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In a small town in the US |
5437 views
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Category: Men vs women
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In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them." |
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A young couple on the brink of divorce |
5521 views
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Category: Men vs women
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A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds ” My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires “Is that true?”
The husband replies “Well not exactly, it’s her that suffers not me.” |
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Birthcontrol |
7072 views
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Category: Sardar Jokes
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Banta and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," Banta replies. "I'll get Jeeto's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That woman!" Banta exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
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Time bomb |
7027 views
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Category: Sardar Jokes
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There were two Sardarjis Bantya and Santya, employed as bombers. They had to place a time bomb in order to explode a building. So they were going on their destination in a car. On their way Bantya asked Santya, "Santya what will happen if the time bomb explodes in this car itself." Santya replied "Don't worry, I have a spare one!!!!!" |
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The criminal mastermind found one of his gang sawing |
5687 views
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Category: Simply Stupid
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The criminal mastermind found one of his gang sawing the legs off his bed. “What are you doing that for?” demanded the crook boss. “Only doing what you ordered,” said the stupid thug. “You told me to lie low for a bit!” |
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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution |
5747 views
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Category: Simply Stupid
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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?” He got the following reply. “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my r\nstepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?” After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!” |
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The three criminals |
7479 views
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Category: Mr Bean Jokes
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There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.
"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window." |
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Brain Tumor |
23724 views
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Category: Mr Bean Jokes
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Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
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This is sooooo funny!! |
5952 views
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Category: Computer Jokes
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One day, at work, Joe says to John behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," John replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs 20 bucks ...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. He hurries back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits 20 bucks, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. |
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The borg |
5901 views
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Category: Computer Jokes
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"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
"Captain, We have successfully installed 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to zero!"
"Data, what does your scanners show?"
"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
"Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
"How much time will that buy us ?"
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
"Identify."
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
"Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
"I don't believe those are humans sir. If you look more closely, I believe you will see they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
"Lawyers!!"
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
"True, but appearently some must have survived."
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." |
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Best Funny Rajnikanth Jokes |
6671 views
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Category: Hindi Jokes
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* Words like awesomeness, brilliance, legendary etc. were added to the dictionary in the year 1949. That was the year Rajinikanth was born.
* Rajnikanth taught a German Shepherd to bark in Spanish.
* Rajnikanth has counted till infinity twice.
* Every step Rajnikanth takes creates a small whirlpool. Tsunami was the result of morning jog.
* Once Rajnikanth lost his wallet. As a result the world faced global recession.
* Rajnikanth can call you from a match box.
* Rajnikanth told Shakespeare the story of Romeo and Juliet.
* Before Tom Cruise, Rajnikanth was approached for Mission Impossible which he refused as he found the title insulting.
* Rajinikant doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
* Once Rajni decided to write an autobiography, today it's known as guinness book of world records.
* Rajinikant got his drivers license at the age of 16 seconds.
* Google won't find Rajinikanth because you don't find Rajinikanth; Rajinikanth finds you.
* Why did Superman leave his planet Krypton? To get physical training under Rajnikanth here on Earth.
* Where does rajnikant goes for a morning walk?- Ans:The Great Wall of China
* Why did rajnikant buy an acre of land with 4 wells in each corner...?...Coz he wanted to play carrom...!! :P :P :D
* Jack Sparrow adresses HIM as captain RajiniKanth.
* Rajnikant drives his vehicle on national highway "NH-007".
* Rajnikant can put both his legs in pants at a time
* Once in childhood, Rajnikant was playing in sand, and now it is known as great wall of china and Pyramids of Egypt.
* Rajnikant can clap with one hand.
* Microsoft uses Rajnikant OS
* The new symbol for Rupee is actually Rajnikant's Signature.
* One day Rajnikant started doing his homework, today it's known as "WIKIPEDIA"
* Rajnikant once donated a drop of blood to a very weak child... The child is known as "The Great Khali".
* Rajnikant once went out for a morning walk. In the afternoon, police arrested him.. You know why? Because he had reached......... USA.
* When GOD is shocked.. He exclaims...... Oh my Rajnikant!
* Rajnikant participated in a high jump, and now it has been reported by NASA that Rajni is the first man on Mars.
* Rajnikant did his KG from seven different places, today those are known as 7 different IIT'S.
* All sardars have decided to offer Rs.999 crores to Rajnikant as a thank you token for shifting people focus from Sardar's to Rajnikant.
* Recently, China airports were closed due to heavy fog, later it was discovered that Rajnikant was having hookah in India
* The ice age ended when Rajnikant lost his cool.
* Rajnikant knows Victoria's secret.
* Rajnikant knows who is the mother of Ted's children in 'How I Met Your Mother'.
* Rajnikant is in the new Harry Potter movie; so Harry and Voldemort are now friends.
* Once Rajnikant forgot his toys near Mumbai; that place is now known as Essel World.
* Once Rajnikant was having a cup of tea. Suddenly, in his typical style he cut the tea into half. Since then, we know our popular cutting chai.
* One day Rajnikant bunked school. Since then it is known as Sunday.
* Yamaha has launched many bikes with R1, R15, R6, Rx, Rxz names. There is no doubt, R means Rajnikant
* When Rajnikant switches on his AC without closing the door, Winter starts in India.
* One day Rajnikant had some stomach problem, that day we witnessed Bhopal Gas Tragedy.
* Once Dinosaurs borrowed money from Rajnikant and refused to pay him back... That was the last time anyone saw Dinosaurs.
* One night, a ghost was consoling another, "Don't worry, I told you it's all in your mind... There is nothing like Rajnikant" .
* Why did Superman and Batman visit Rajnikant? Because it was Teachers Day!
* Rajnikant slapped himself and the man standing next to him was shattered to pieces. Why?
Answer: Resonance.
* Rajnikanth can kneel down on both sides.
* When you search Rajini in google, what does google say?
"I'm Feeling Lucky" !
* Rajanikanth can kick a man in his soul.
* Rajnikanth hates people with an accent, because they call him Rajni-can't and not Rajnikanth!
* Rajanikath can cough, sneeze and laugh "all at the same time".
* Rajinikanth believes only in one type of HTML code. Bullets and only bullets.
* Rajani can gargle ice till the melting point!
* How does Rajni do Shirshasan?
He simply turns the world upside down.
* Once Rajnikant was on the hot seat of KBC....
And the computer needed lifeline to choose the question. Mind it!
* Rajnikanth was the person who killed the Dead Sea.
* Rajnikanth is able to lick his own elbows.
* How did girraffes come about? Rajnikanth once kicked a horse under its chin.
* Rajnikanth is able to kill 2 stones with 1 bird
* It was after the birth of Rajinikant, that many atheists started believing in God.
* If the great Rajni would have been born in India about 150 years back...........then Britishers would have fought for independence.
* Everybody knows about the law of gravitation, but it was Rajnikant who discovered the law of levitation.
* Time waits for no one, except, Rajni.
* All's fair in love and war and Rajni Jokes.
* Cleanliness is next to godliness and Rajni.
* Rajinikanth’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
* Rajinikanth grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
* Rajinikanth once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
* Rajnikant went to the wild wild west, met a cowgirl, and fell in love with her. They had a baby, guess what they named the baby?? CHUCK NORRIS!
* If you spell `Rajanikant' wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Rajinikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
* Rajinikanth can play the violin with a piano.
* Rajnikanth once wrote a cheque, the bank bounced!
* Micheal Jordan to Rajini: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you? Rajini: Rascala; how do you think the earth spins!?
* Rajinikanth once ordered a plate of idli in McDonald's, and got it.
* When Rajnikant logs on to facebook.com, facebook updates its status message!
* Rajni once killed 20 men just by saying "BANG".
* When Rajinikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
* Roger Federer: I know everything about tennis. You can ask me anything.
Rajnikant: Ok. Tell me, how many holes are there in the NET??
* Rajnikant can answer the missed calls.
* No laws in physics can be applied to Rajnikant
* Once Rajnikanth got so excited and he yelled loudly "Yaaaahoo".... now it is known as Yahoo.com
* Who can Stop 50 cars with one hand?
Oh Come on...
Don't expect Rajnikanth to do everything..
It's the Traffic Police!
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Laloo of bihar |
7321 views
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Category: Hindi Jokes
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Once Laloo of Bihar, sent his bio data to america to
apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation. A few
days later he got this reply.
" Dear Mr. Laloo , you do not meet our requirements.
Please do not send any further correspondence. No
phone call shall be entertained. Thanks"
Laloo jumped with joy on recieving this reply and
arranged a party. when all the guests arrived, he
said, "Bhaiyon aur behno, aap ko Jaan kar khushi
hogee ki hum amreeca mein naukri mil gayeen hoon."
Everyone was delighted...
Laloo continued.....
" Ab main aap sab ko apna appointment letter padkar
sunaoonga, par letter english mein hain isliyen
saath - saath hindi mein translate bhi karoonga.
Dear Mr.Laloo ----- Pyare Laloo bhaiya
You do not meet ----- Aap to milte hi naheen ho
Our requirement----- Humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any further correspondance-----
Ab letter wetter bhejne ka kauno jaroorat nahi
No phone call ------- Phoonwa ka bhi jaroorat nahee.
Shall be entertained ----- Bahut khatir ki jayegi
Thanks---- Aapka bahut bahut dhanyavad |
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Bar quotes |
4768 views
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Category: Bar Jokes
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"What makes you drink so much?"
"Nothing makes me. I'm a volunteer."
“Aliens kidnapped me! I remember only a narrow room with some buttons and we were moving up ... “
“What aliens? ... We brought you home drunk in the elevator! |
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What I did in Texas |
5051 views
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Category: Bar Jokes
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A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he suspects that they'll try something funny, but he continues to drink. When he's satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out of the bar only to find his horse missing.
However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a really mean look and says, "Look, I don't know what you asses did to my horse out there...but I'm planning to make a move on within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn't back where it's supposed to be by then, well...I'm gonna have to do here what I did in Texas!" The cowboy sneers. "And I DON'T wanna do what I did in Texas!"
The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.
Just as he's about to leave, the bartender approaches him and asks, "Just out of curiosity, partner. What was it you did in Texas that you didn't want to do here?" The cowboy turns to the bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, "I had to walk home!" |
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Incomplete |
5349 views
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Category: Sports Jokes
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A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he’s finished. |
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Tiger Woods Jokes |
5320 views
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Category: Sports Jokes
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Tiger Woods Joke 01
Did you hear Nike’s new motto? Just do me.
Tiger Woods Joke 02
Did you hear Tiger Woods changed his name to Cheetah?
Tiger Woods Joke 03
One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.
Tiger Woods Joke 04
Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They’re clubs you can beat Tiger Woods with.
Tiger Woods Joke 05
The police asked Tiger Woods wife how many times she hit him. “I can’t remember,” Elin Woods said, “just put me down for a 5.”
Tiger Woods Joke 06
Tiger Woods always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress.
Tiger Woods Joke 07
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger Woods Joke 08
Tiger Woods drove his balls into a tree
Tiger Woods Joke 09
Tiger Woods has a new movie coming out. It’s called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
Tiger Woods Joke 10
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
Tiger Woods Joke 11
Tiger Woods other women aren’t mistresses. They’re provisional.
Tiger Woods Joke 12
What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.
Tiger Woods Joke 13
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods Joke 14
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho’s.
Tiger Woods Joke 15
Whenever Tiger Woods strikes a long putt, someone always shouts out “In the hole”. Betcha Tiger Woods never hears that from Elins’ lips again! |
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Attorney to witness |
5023 views
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Category: Relationship Jokes
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Attorney to witness: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?” Witness: “Where am I Cathy?” Attorney: “And why did that upset you?” Witness: “Because my name is Susan.”s she doing?”, the pal asks. “Waiting for me to get home.” |
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I overheard a friend telling |
4997 views
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Category: Relationship Jokes
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I overheard a friend telling his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.” “What is she doing?”, the pal asks. “Waiting for me to get home.” |
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Two men |
4572 views
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Category: Humor Jokes
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Two men.
"My wife is like a lightning on the road."
"Why? She drives fast?"
"No. She crashes into every tree."
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A man was walking through the desert and became |
4560 views
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Category: Humor Jokes
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A man was walking through the desert and became terribly thirsty. He saw an oasis, approached and what to see. A dragon was keeping the spring. The man gathered all his forces and courage and began fighting with the dragon. At once the dragon said, “What are you doing, idiot?”
“I want to drink some water.”
“Okay! Drink. Nobody stops you. Why do you want to fight?" |
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The examination |
4856 views
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Category: School Jokes
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An examination. A student responded perfectly to all questions. However, the professor decided to nag him and asked, “The last question. How many lamps are there in the room?”
“20,” replied the student.
“You’re wrong. They’re 21. I carry a flash-light in my pocket.”
The student had to resit. The professor asked again, “How many lamps are there in the room?”
“21!” replied the student.
“No. They’re 20. I did not bring my flashlight.”
“Yes, but this time I brought mine,” replied the student. |
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A must read |
4848 views
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Category: School Jokes
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A student entered the refectory, but there all places were taken. He took a seat at a table where a professor was having a meal. Scowling, the professor said, “ A pig and an eagle don't sit at the table together!”
The student replied, “Okay. Then I fly off ...”
The professor got angry and decided to fail the student’s exam. However, on the examination the student responded perfectly to all questions.
“Okay, I'll ask you the last question. Imagine you walk down the street and see two bags - one with money and other with mind. Which would you choose?”
“That with the money!”
“I'd choose the one with mind ...”
“Of course! Who what has not that he chooses...”
The professor became angrier. He took the student’s report and wrote in it “idiot”. The student, without looking at it, take it and left the room. After a minute the student opened the door again and said,
“Mr. Professor, look here, you signed my report, but you forgot to record my grade.” |
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The letter |
4742 views
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Category: Work Jokes
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The secretary to her boss,
"Boss, a letter arrived from our branch in the Sahara desert. They have written that the situation with the water is terrible."
The boss replied, "They are just trying to find something to complain about."
"I would not say that. Look, the stamp on the envelope is attached with a clamp." |
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The idiot chicken farmer |
4740 views
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Category: Work Jokes
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An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too deep." |
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President George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney |
5209 views
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Category: Political Jokes
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President George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant.
A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, “Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!”
President Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused. |
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A member of the United States Senate |
5207 views
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Category: Political Jokes
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A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, “Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. “OK,” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”
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Three nuns on a train had been getting to know |
4943 views
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Category: Religious Jokes
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Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were.
The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."
The third just sits there quietly.
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided |
5085 views
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Category: Religious Jokes
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.” One hunter groaned, “Well, it worked. They re all safe.” |
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Doctor, doctor |
5322 views
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Category: Doctor Jokes
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Doctor, doctor, I m having difficulty sleeping.
Doctor: Well maybe it’s your bed.
Oh, I m all right at night, it’s in the day I have problems. |
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The late patient |
5597 views
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Category: Doctor Jokes
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At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once, when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I'll be about 15 minutes late. That won't be a problem, will it?" "No," I told him. "We just won't have time to give you an anesthetic." He arrived early. |
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When young Jose, newly arrived in the |
5144 views
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Category: Cultural Jokes
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When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale.
Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag.
Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. “And the Americans, they are so friendly!” he concluded.
“Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang,. Jose, can you see? |
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend |
5133 views
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Category: Cultural Jokes
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
“Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said.
“We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.” |
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What did they call Dracula when |
5403 views
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Category: Vampire Jokes
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What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire! |
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Q & A |
5865 views
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Category: Vampire Jokes
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Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into.
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One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies |
4740 views
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Category: Adult Jokes
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One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.
Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".
The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!" |
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A couple took their young son to the circus and when |
4734 views
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Category: Adult Jokes
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A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.
"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.
Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.
While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"
"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.
"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.
Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!" |
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A redneck is sitting in a bar drinking minding his |
5126 views
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Category: Redneck Jokes
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A redneck is sitting in a bar drinking minding his own business when a large asian man goes over to him and knocks him off his chair. He then tells the redneck, " That was a karate chop from Korea." The redneck is mad but he gets up and goes back to drinking. All of a sudden the asian man knocks him over again and says, " That was a judo chop from Korea." The redneck is real mad now so he leaves and comes back an hour later. He goes over to the asian man and knocks him off the stool knocking him out cold. He turns at the bartender and says, " When he wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart." |
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A redneck calles up the White House |
5156 views
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Category: Redneck Jokes
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A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist: “I d like to become the next President of the United States.” The receptionist: “What are you, an idiot?” Redneck: “Why, is it required?” |
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Good and bad news |
5002 views
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Category: Lawyer Jokes
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“I have good news and bad news,” the defense lawyer says to his client.
”What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says, “Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.”
“Dammit!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” the lawyer says, “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
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Q & A |
4959 views
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Category: Lawyer Jokes
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What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else seems to think that they’re jokes.
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The local courtroom was packed as |
4985 views
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Category: Murder jokes
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The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so “matter-of-fact” about the whole thing all during the trial. “Mrs. Roth,” he began, “was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?” “Well… yeah… I guess…” she replied. “And when was that?” pressed the attorney. “Well…,” she replied, “when he asked for his third cup.” |
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At a convention of biological scientists |
5092 views
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Category: Murder jokes
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At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” “Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won’t do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.” |
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Location |
4696 views
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Category: Clean Jokes
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Judge to witness: “And where was the location of the accident?” Witness: “Approximately milepost 499.” Judge:: “And where is milepost 499?” Witness: “About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.” |
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Two small time thieves |
4865 views
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Category: Clean Jokes
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Two small time thieves had been sent by the Big Boss to steal a van load of goods from a bathroom suppliers. One stayed in the van as look out and the other went into the storeroom. Fifteen minutes went by, then half an hour, then an hour, and no sign of him. The look out finally grew impatient and went to look for his partner. Inside the store the two came face to face. “Where have you been?” demanded the worried look out. “The boss told me to take a bath, but I couldn’t find the soap and a towel.” |
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Burglar |
5247 views
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Category: Knock Knock jokes
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Knock Knock Who’s there ! Burglar ! Burglar who ? Burglars don’t knock !
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Keith |
5674 views
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Category: Knock Knock jokes
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
(Kiss me, my sweet prince) |
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Two guys are talking about their boss’s |
4731 views
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Category: Wedding Jokes
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Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
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Booking a room |
4786 views
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Category: Wedding Jokes
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Teacher: I d like a room, please. Hotel Receptionist: Single, Sir? Teacher: Yes, but I am engaged. |
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Holiday location |
5269 views
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Category: Werewolf Jokes
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Where do werewolves stay when they re on vacation? At the Howliday Inn! |
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Q & A |
6763 views
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Category: Werewolf Jokes
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What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock ?
He got ticks ! |
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Funny Jay Leno quotes4 |
4928 views
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Category: Yo mama Jokes
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“Hillary Clinton’s opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican
she’s going to be running against, has been married three times, had an
affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still
married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a
Clinton is the ‘family values’ candidate.” –Jay Leno |
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lol |
5215 views
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Category: Yo mama Jokes
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Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver. |
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Hilarious Quotes From Demetri Martin |
4719 views
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Category: Funny Quotes
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Hilarious Quotes From Demetri Martin My Personal Favorite Comic
“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’”
“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”
“I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.”
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of - it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”
"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!”
“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.”
“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”
“I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’
“I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like, ‘Hey, there’s an asshole.’ But when you’re in the woods you’re like, ‘Is there an asshole out here?’ They look like trees.”
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”
“I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart… Especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?”
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
“They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’s a dog. Don’t waste my time.”
“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”
“One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that’s a bad thing, but to me that’s just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That’s not an impediment, that’s suspense! What’s he going to say? Car?? …or Carnival?? …Carburetor!?!? Man… "
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”
“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”
“I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.’”
“I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. ‘Leave me alone. Can’t you see I’m cold just right here?’”
“I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’”
“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’
“I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’”
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
“I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don’t have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said ‘JETS?’”
“An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’”
“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’”
“I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.”
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
"My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.
On The Daily Show, when asked about dangers of MySpace: “On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey.”
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."
"It was my friend’s birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word “Happy”… sarcastic birthday, douchebag. "
"I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then Í said, “Does he bite?”. She said “No.” And I said, “Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? … Liar.”
"I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, “It looks like you’re writing a ransom note… need some help? You should curse more.” The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.
"Graffiti… I don’t like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like “Oh, that’s how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn’t have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.” Graffiti’s the most passionate literature there is, you know? It’s always like “Bush sucks!”, “U2 Rocks!”. I want to make indifferent graffiti. “Toy Story 2 was okay!” “I like Sheryl as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further”, “This is a bridge!”, “That guy’s right!”
"If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy. "
"I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille. "
"I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me “Boss.” “Hey boss, can I help you, boss?” When they call me boss, I go, “I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest.”
"I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, “Ya, can i just get those sneakers in a 10?” And uh, he said, “Okay” and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, “I don’t have a 10, I have a 9.” “Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed off. So that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, ’cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you’re right on. I’ll take the 9’s and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You’re re-hired ’cause you’re a genius."
"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”
"My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”"
"I’m excited to be here. I almost didn’t do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, “I’ll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can’t do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it.” It worked out, it’s cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves." - melbourne comedy festival
"I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a little while.” “How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”
"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”" |
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Funny Jay Leno quotes3 |
4758 views
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Category: Funny Quotes
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“General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking
out against President Bush’s policies, saying that the world is
beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism.
That’s what I think he said — it was hard to hear him because he was
being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay.” –Jay Leno
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Million dollars |
6238 views
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Category: Ghost Jokes
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Q: Why is a witches face like a million dollars?
A: It's all green and wrinkly ! |
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Witch's furniture |
6269 views
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Category: Ghost Jokes
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Q: Where did the witch get her furniture ?
A:From the ideal gnome exhibition ! |
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Baby witches |
5497 views
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Category: Witch Jokes
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What are baby witches called?
Halloweenies.
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Losing the baby |
5490 views
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Category: Witch Jokes
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How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn’t take it far enough into the woods.
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I thought you was a... |
5062 views
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Category: Funny Insults
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I thought u was a dick
Man u a bitch
I thought u was a nick
Shit u a wick
I thought u had stars
Man the was flash cards
I though u was big
Man ya shit a wigg |
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Before a burglary trial |
4644 views
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Category: Criminal Jokes
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Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.” The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked. “They re people just like you your equals.” “Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.” |
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At night court |
4635 views
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Category: Criminal Jokes
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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.” The defendant said, “I m Sparks, I m an electrician, charged with battery.” The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!” |
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