10. The water-proof towel

9. Glow in the dark sunglasses

8. Solar powered flashlights

7. Submarine screen doors

6. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart boards

4. A dictionary index

3. Pedal powered wheel chairs

2. Water proof tea bags

1. Zero proof alchohol 

Q: What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?

A: Third grade.

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind

of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'

'Very good! And what is it used for?'

'It is used for headache.'

The second pupil said: 'Nytol'

'Excellent. And what it is used for?'

'To help you sleep.'

Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'

'Johnny, what is it used for?'

'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'

'Who told you this?'

'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,

'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

 

A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam.

"Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."

"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient.

"My wife is a zebra.

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom. 

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!' 

The intercom falls silent. 

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.

'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'

A man dies and goes straight to hell for having lived a sinful life, and upon his arrival Satan asks him, "Do you like to drink?"

"Absolutely," says the man.

"Well, you'll love Thursdays then," says Satan. "All we do is drink beer, whiskey, vodka - anything you want. And you're dead, so there's no hangover."

"Sweet!" says the man.

"Do you like drugs? asks Satan. "Because it's same deal on Friday - all the drugs you can possibly take without any side effects."

"Awesome!" says the man. "There has to be some catch to all of this?"

"Not at all," says Satan. "You're gay, right?"

"No," says the man.

"Not even a little bit gay?" Satan asks.

"Not at all," says the man.

"Oh, well, then Saturdays are going to be a little rough!"

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test." 

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly

the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and

says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm

sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections

I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt

my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing

I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb

I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true

I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,

If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,

If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,

If you don't, you are 'not understanding' 

.

If you visit her often, you are boring,

If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,

If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it is bad,

If you aren't, she thinks you don't love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect her,

If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,

If she is late, she says it's a girl's way.

If you visit other men, you are not putting in quality time,

If she is visited by other women, "Ah! It's natural, we are girls."

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her cross the street, you lack ethics,

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction.

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting,

If she is stared by a man, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen,

If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short:

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable

So damning, yet so wonderful.

 My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs… then said “Honey would you like some of this?” I took a moment, then said “Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!”

What'd You Think?

Santa & Banta were sitting in a kabristan & were talking.

Santa: Banta Ji, dekho yeh murde kitne aaraam se apni kabron mein sote hain.

Sare murde uth khare hue aur bole: Kiyun na soye, yeh jaga apni jaan de ke hasil kee hai...

 

Santa went to battery shop...

n asked to change battery.

The shopkeeper asked: ' Exide ' Laga du?..

Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?..

Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some

toilet paper."

She says, "What color?"

He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."

Another harmless practical joke to be played on people living in multiple story apartment buildings is as follows: Knock on victim's door. Say, "I've got to use your window, someone's about to jump from an apartment above yours." Run to window and look outside, but don't let victim look.

At this point your accomplice dumps a rag-filled dummy either from the window above or from the roof. The dummy should be fully closed; for added realism put some plastic bags of fake blood inside the clothes. On the sidewalk below, a third accomplice puts down a plastic sheet, then covers it with a sheet painted to resemble the sidewalk. After the body hits, let the victim see the gore, then convince him to run down and help while you stay and call the ambulance.

As soon as the victim has left, signal your accomplice to remove the sheets and the dummy and head for some prearranged hiding place. Then you leave the apartment and disappear somewhere in the building; later, you make your way downstairs and leave. The victim will race downstairs expecting to find a dead bloody body and will instead see only clean, empty pavement.

Of course, it is best done late at night since the joke would be spoiled by a passer-by who informed the victim of the "body's" fate. The fun comes imagining the victim trying to convince the police or anyone else of what happened!

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my

home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. 

  

Bhagawad Geeta mein likha hai ki...

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are yaar yahan kya dhund raha hai,

 maine kaha Bhagawad geeta mein likha hai!!... is me nahi......

Naa ye CHEMISTRY hoti, na me STUDENT hota Na wo LAB hoti, na wo LOVE ACCIDENT hota  

Tabhi PRACTICAL ke waqt nazar aayi ek ladki khubsurat si naak uski TEST TUBE jaisi 

Uski baaton me GLUCOSE ki mithas thi ETHYL ALCOHOL si thandi uski saans thi 

Andhere me wo RADIUM ki tarah chamakti thi jab aankh mili to REACTION hua, love ka PRODUCTION hua! 

Fir to lagne lage uske ghar ke chakkar aise, NUCLEUS ke charo aur ELECTRON jaise 

Jis din TEST ka PERFECTION tha us din uske pitaji se hamara INTRODUCTION tha 

Mano IGNITION TUBE se SODIUM ke piece nikal pade wo bole hosh me aao, pehchano apni aukat IRON kabhi mil nahi sakta GOLD ke saath! 

Is tarah tod diya unhone hamare armano ka BEAKER hum chup hi reh gaye BENJALDEHYDE ka ghoont pikar. 

Ab unki yado ke bina hamara kaam chalta nahi hain zindagi ho gayi ab UNSATURATED CARBON ki tarah, bekar ghumte ab hum awaara HYDROGEN ki tarah.