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Top 10 Blonde Inventions 3287 views
Category: Blonde Jokes
10. The water-proof towel
9. Glow in the dark sunglasses
8. Solar powered flashlights
7. Submarine screen doors
6. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart boards
4. A dictionary index
3. Pedal powered wheel chairs
2. Water proof tea bags
1. Zero proof alchohol 
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Blonde's Best 10 Years 3270 views
Category: Blonde Jokes
Q: What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?

A: Third grade.
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Viagra for Diarrhea 3648 views
Category: Childrens Jokes
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind
of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol.'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol'
'Excellent. And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep.'
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra'
'Johnny, what is it used for?'
'I think it can be used for diarrhea.'
'Who told you this?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.'

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Wittle Wabbit Joke 3637 views
Category: Childrens Jokes
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" 

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?" 

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
 
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So what's to worry about? 2961 views
Category: Animal Jokes
A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam.
"Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient.
"My wife is a zebra.
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A Dog and a Cats way of thinking..... 2951 views
Category: Animal Jokes
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
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Airplane Pilot 3087 views
Category: Scenario Jokes
A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom. 

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!' 

The intercom falls silent. 

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.

'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 

'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!'
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Hell Isn't So Bad? 3107 views
Category: Scenario Jokes
A man dies and goes straight to hell for having lived a sinful life, and upon his arrival Satan asks him, "Do you like to drink?"

"Absolutely," says the man.

"Well, you'll love Thursdays then," says Satan. "All we do is drink beer, whiskey, vodka - anything you want. And you're dead, so there's no hangover."

"Sweet!" says the man.

"Do you like drugs? asks Satan. "Because it's same deal on Friday - all the drugs you can possibly take without any side effects."

"Awesome!" says the man. "There has to be some catch to all of this?"

"Not at all," says Satan. "You're gay, right?"

"No," says the man.

"Not even a little bit gay?" Satan asks.

"Not at all," says the man.

"Oh, well, then Saturdays are going to be a little rough!"
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Farting All The Time 3184 views
Category: People Jokes
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test." 
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Attention All 3180 views
Category: People Jokes
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly
the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and
says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm
sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

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I’m Glad I’m A Woman 3271 views
Category: Female Jokes
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
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WOMAN! 3282 views
Category: Female Jokes
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don't, you are 'not understanding' 
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If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it is bad,
If you aren't, she thinks you don't love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect her,
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it's a girl's way.

If you visit other men, you are not putting in quality time,
If she is visited by other women, "Ah! It's natural, we are girls."

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her cross the street, you lack ethics,
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction.

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting,
If she is stared by a man, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful.

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Sexy Panties 3125 views
Category: Men vs women
 My frustrated wife decided our sex life needed alittle spicing up. So, after work she went shopping and picked up a fancy pair of crotchless panties. She went home and slid the new garment on and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted me when I came home from work and sat down on the couch across from me. She slowly spread her legs… then said “Honey would you like some of this?” I took a moment, then said “Hell no, look what it’s done to your underwear!”

What'd You Think?

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Costume party 3147 views
Category: Men vs women
A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
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Santa & Banta in kabristan 3366 views
Category: Sardar Jokes
Santa & Banta were sitting in a kabristan & were talking.

Santa: Banta Ji, dekho yeh murde kitne aaraam se apni kabron mein sote hain.

Sare murde uth khare hue aur bole: Kiyun na soye, yeh jaga apni jaan de ke hasil kee hai...

 
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Santa in a battery shop.... 3357 views
Category: Sardar Jokes
Santa went to battery shop...

n asked to change battery.

The shopkeeper asked: ' Exide ' Laga du?..

Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?..
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What Color? 3003 views
Category: Simply Stupid
Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some
toilet paper."

She says, "What color?"

He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself."
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Harmless Practical Jokes 2999 views
Category: Simply Stupid
Another harmless practical joke to be played on people living in multiple story apartment buildings is as follows: Knock on victim's door. Say, "I've got to use your window, someone's about to jump from an apartment above yours." Run to window and look outside, but don't let victim look.

At this point your accomplice dumps a rag-filled dummy either from the window above or from the roof. The dummy should be fully closed; for added realism put some plastic bags of fake blood inside the clothes. On the sidewalk below, a third accomplice puts down a plastic sheet, then covers it with a sheet painted to resemble the sidewalk. After the body hits, let the victim see the gore, then convince him to run down and help while you stay and call the ambulance.

As soon as the victim has left, signal your accomplice to remove the sheets and the dummy and head for some prearranged hiding place. Then you leave the apartment and disappear somewhere in the building; later, you make your way downstairs and leave. The victim will race downstairs expecting to find a dead bloody body and will instead see only clean, empty pavement.

Of course, it is best done late at night since the joke would be spoiled by a passer-by who informed the victim of the "body's" fate. The fun comes imagining the victim trying to convince the police or anyone else of what happened!




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Brain Tumor 8358 views
Category: Mr Bean Jokes
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

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Spelling lesson 9155 views
Category: Mr Bean Jokes
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
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Dont confuse mac with PC 2934 views
Category: Computer Jokes
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
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Computer Class Fun 2931 views
Category: Computer Jokes
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. 

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Bhagawad Geeta mein likha hai ki... 4251 views
Category: Hindi Jokes
  
Bhagawad Geeta mein likha hai ki...
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are yaar yahan kya dhund raha hai,

 maine kaha Bhagawad geeta mein likha hai!!... is me nahi......
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A True Scientific Lover 4242 views
Category: Hindi Jokes
Naa ye CHEMISTRY hoti, na me STUDENT hota Na wo LAB hoti, na wo LOVE ACCIDENT hota  

Tabhi PRACTICAL ke waqt nazar aayi ek ladki khubsurat si naak uski TEST TUBE jaisi 

Uski baaton me GLUCOSE ki mithas thi ETHYL ALCOHOL si thandi uski saans thi 

Andhere me wo RADIUM ki tarah chamakti thi jab aankh mili to REACTION hua, love ka PRODUCTION hua! 

Fir to lagne lage uske ghar ke chakkar aise, NUCLEUS ke charo aur ELECTRON jaise 

Jis din TEST ka PERFECTION tha us din uske pitaji se hamara INTRODUCTION tha 

Mano IGNITION TUBE se SODIUM ke piece nikal pade wo bole hosh me aao, pehchano apni aukat IRON kabhi mil nahi sakta GOLD ke saath! 

Is tarah tod diya unhone hamare armano ka BEAKER hum chup hi reh gaye BENJALDEHYDE ka ghoont pikar. 

Ab unki yado ke bina hamara kaam chalta nahi hain zindagi ho gayi ab UNSATURATED CARBON ki tarah, bekar ghumte ab hum awaara HYDROGEN ki tarah.

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