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Showing 0 - 9 of 84 Animal Jokes
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The Two Ants |
560 views
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There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me." |
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So what's to worry about? |
7295 views
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A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes." "So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?" "What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra. |
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A Dog and a Cats way of thinking..... |
6826 views
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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! |
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Contribution and Commitment |
1168 views
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A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?" "Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment." |
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Monkey Organization Joke |
1168 views
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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. |
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The Four Cats |
1189 views
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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were . The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said..... "Coffee Break.....do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ... Ate the cookies..... ......... . Drank the milk........ ...... Sh*t on the paper....... ......... .... Screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....
Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......
Put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ......!!! !!!!!!!
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Penguin Delivery |
1243 views
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A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.
An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.
The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"
"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
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The Vet Bill |
1225 views
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A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
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Funny Horse Joke |
1222 views
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Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!” The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius ferrier!” The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, “You’re right. I stand corrected.” |
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Birthday Parrot |
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A guy named David recieved a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a expletive. Those that wern't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change thebird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" |
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Showing 0 - 9 of 84 Animal Jokes
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