|
Jokes
|
|
Showing 0 - 9 of 112 Computer Jokes
|
Next >>
|
|
This is sooooo funny!! |
8104 views
|
One day, at work, Joe says to John behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," John replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs 20 bucks ...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. He hurries back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits 20 bucks, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
The borg |
8048 views
|
"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
"Captain, We have successfully installed 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to zero!"
"Data, what does your scanners show?"
"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
"Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
"How much time will that buy us ?"
"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
"Identify."
"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."
"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."
"Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
"I don't believe those are humans sir. If you look more closely, I believe you will see they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
"Lawyers!!"
"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
"True, but appearently some must have survived."
"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."
"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
Has technology taken over your life? |
1012 views
|
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads acrossthe breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your cars tyres.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better the track ball or the track pad.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, technology has taken over your life.
|
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
This is an indespensible list of computer viruses often missed by most anti-virus programs. hehe |
1011 views
|
The Al Gore Virus causes your computer to just keep counting and counting.
The Clinton Virus gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The Bob Dole (aka: "Viagra") Virus makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The Lewinsky Virus sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
The Ronald Reagan Virus saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The Mike Tyson Virus quits after two bytes.
The Oprah Winfrey Virus shrinks your 300mb hard drive to 100mb, then slowly expands it, to restabilize around 200mb.
The Jack Kevorkian Virus deletes all old files.
The Ellen Degeneres Virus disks can no longer be inserted.
The Prozac Virus totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The Joey Buttafuoco Virus only attacks minor files.
The Arnold Schwartzenegger Virus terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
The X-Files Virus makes all your icons start shape shifting.
The Spice Girl Virus has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
The Tim Allen Virus appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
With the Sonny Bono Virus, just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.
The Martha Stewart Virus takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
The AT&T Virus tells you every three minutes what great service you are getting.
The MCI Virus reminds you every three minutes that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
18 similiarities between women and computers |
1009 views
|
Before you read any further, please note that this is not a piece out to damage or cut down the important role of women in our society. Read below only as humor and nothing more. These are intended solely for a good laugh.
Women are unique in many ways (and by this I mean different than men) and its this specific uniqueness or certain traits that I refer to when likening a woman to a personal computer. Do not get offended; it is intended to create a smile.
1) A woman is like a computer in that she costs more than you thought it would.
2) A woman resembles a personal computer in that she will not do exactly what you thought it will.
3) After a while, you simply cannot do without both: your computers and your woman.
4) Computers are just like women: after you have gotten used to them and cannot do without them, you discover that one is not enough.
5) Some computers, like some women, serve many people.
6) You can work miracles with both by gently using your fingers if you only know the proper code.
7) If you are inactive with them for more than fifteen minutes, they go off.
8) Just like a computer, the one who runs her has more privileges than just anyone else who is just running her.
9) When there are short-circuits of electricity, they shut you off and then you cannot always return to what was before the short-circuit.
10) Normally, they are available and receptive in the night, but it’s a lot better when they are available and receptive in the morning.
11) When you are, at last, sure that they will do what you wanted, they go off and do something else.
12) The only thing that you predict about the future with them is that they will react unpredictably.
13) Just like women, so too for computers: every year a new model is released that is younger, more advanced and gives a lot more.
14) A woman is just like a computer: you are happy with what you have but when you see what your friends have got, you are sure you want what they have.
15) Women are like computers in that no matter how much you improve and put into them, they only improve for a short time and then go back to their same old pace.
16) Women are like computers in that every day a new program comes out promising to revolutionize your knowledge and use of them, but after spending a lot more cash you realize that none of them work better than the old one you had before.
17) Women are like computers: you always want what others have and they want what you have but you cannot switch even for a trial basis.
18) Women are like computers in that when you get them you are sure that they are the best. But when the days go back, you wonder why you did not get them with a replacement note. |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
A must read |
1008 views
|
What’s in a name? Shakespeare wrote, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Sometimes, though, it can cause an unintentional – and somewhat ludicrous – stink; as a woman in New Zealand recently discovered to her chagrin.
Gay Hamilton’s email to the help desk of Telecom New Zealand was rejected by a computer system because her name was Gay and was deemed "inappropriate for business-like communication".
Hamilton said that - while she happened to be actually gay, it was none of Telecom’s business. She was concerned that the country's biggest public company was spending its time and resources on trifling issues. "If they do have to put content filters on, then maybe they should ensure that it only gets genuinely abusive words," she said.
Telecom's automated reply to her email said the message "was identified by our content filtering processes as containing language that may be considered inappropriate for business-like communication". It confirmed that the offending word was "gay".
A Telecom spokesperson said the response was triggered by the company's internal email monitoring system, which prevented "misuse of email technologies in the workplace and act as a deterrent to harassment".
Ain’t technology wonderful? Thankfully, this comedy of errors provides one more reason why computers and robots can never replace humans. |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
You know you're in 2011 when.... |
1184 views
|
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
Q & A |
1331 views
|
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
|
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
My computer crashed |
1250 views
|
My computer crashed and died today And I thought, “oh well what the hey”
Now I”d have time to clean my house And see if I still had a spouse.
It started out with weird frustrations Combined with mild heart palpitations And then my ankles began to swell Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL.
Chills ran up and down my spine.
Oh, God I had to get on-line To greet my buds and check my mail.
I began to feel helpless and frail.
Then I remembered the Good Guy”s Store And all those computers by the door.
I”d go there and when alone with no one looking I”d sign-on.
I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL
The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell.
I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem sound.
I was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound.
Then I typed my password, and the computer said, “Goodbye” And that”s what I kept hearing each time that I would try.
This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks.
If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix.
I …slowly… typed… my… password… then…I… stood….and…waited.
The darned thing said , “Goodbye” again and I got real frustrated.
That”s when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking scream.
When I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think I asked the data entry cop, if he”d get me a drink.
Now I”m sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL. |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
50 ways to confuse,worry or scare people in the computer lab |
1157 views
|
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your pocket and say, “Oops, I forgot.”
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
50. Two words: Tesla Coil. |
|
Email this joke to a friend!
|
|
|
Showing 0 - 9 of 112 Computer Jokes
|
Next >>
|
|
|
|
