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Politically Correct Ways to Address Women 418 views
he does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
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I’m Glad I’m A Woman 7471 views
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt
my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
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WOMAN! 7114 views
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying,
If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp,
If you don't, you are 'not understanding' 
.
If you visit her often, you are boring,
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy,
If you don't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it is bad,
If you aren't, she thinks you don't love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect her,
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait,
If she is late, she says it's a girl's way.

If you visit other men, you are not putting in quality time,
If she is visited by other women, "Ah! It's natural, we are girls."

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold,
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her cross the street, you lack ethics,
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction.

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting,
If she is stared by a man, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen,
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful.
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Men are like..... 1498 views
Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like the weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders.
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like government bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
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A woman's night before xmas 1475 views
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moaning and twitching.

I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got fifty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing; Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done, My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling Jack Daniels on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"

He looks all around and with total regret, Says, "What's taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain, And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh damn it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.

I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter! And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
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Womens Watch 1495 views
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?

A. You don't — there's a clock on the oven!
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Womens Language 1494 views
Word: Fine
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Word: Five minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash so I feel that it's an even trade.

Word: Nothing
This means something and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out upside down and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.

Word: Go ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.

Word: Go ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means I give up or do what you want because I don't care. You will get a raised eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

Word: Loud sigh
This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.

Word: Soft sigh
Again not a word but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Word: That's okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. That's Okay is often used with the word Fine and used in con
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Boy friend 1454 views
Mother to daughter: “What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?”
 
“Of course he is, Mom. He’s thrifty, doesn’t drink or smoke, has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.”
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New Boyfriend 1452 views
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
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M-E-N 1565 views
Men-tal Anxiety
Men-opause
Men-tal Breakdown.

Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
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Showing 0 - 9 of 72 Female Jokes Next >>
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