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Have an affair.......... 466 views
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," one buddy told another. 
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" 
"But what if my wife finds out?" 
"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!" 
So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." 
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked."
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How A Man Discover.................... 467 views
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.


The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.


The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.


The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.


The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.


Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping...
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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies 106 views
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of 
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost 
instantly removed. 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting 
someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply 
using the sink. 
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for 
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use 
a timer. 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you 
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze 
button. (u can try this, coz it dont harms much) 
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you 
will be afraid to cough. 

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will 
forget about the toothache. 

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: 
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. 
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. 
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Roll Eyes 

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. 

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. 

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends 
coz you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
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Farting All The Time 7080 views
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test." 
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Attention All 7067 views
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly
the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and
says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm
sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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My Time's UP? 1371 views
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the  hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death  experience. 

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" 

God  said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."
  
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! 

Since she had  so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. 
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. 

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by  an ambulance.

Arriving  in front of God, she demanded, 
"I thought you  said I had another 43 years. 
Why  didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the  ambulance?" 
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God replied: 

"I didn't recognize you!"
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Your daughter is first class in Bed 1373 views
A newly married girl got first class in B.Ed exam.
Her excited husband sent SMS to his father-in-law: Your daughter is first class in Bed.
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Stupid Questions with Smart Answers 1373 views
BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
 
GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
 
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??
 
GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
 
GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??
 
BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??
 
BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??
 
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
   
MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.
    
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
 
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,  Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
 
1) Girlfriend : "....And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
    
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
 
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
    
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have ?"
 
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
    
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman"..
    
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
    
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
        
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
 
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
 
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
 
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."  
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Divorced Barbie 1380 views
A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager,? "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the father asked.

The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of? Ken's savings."

Mmm...Barbie Isn't That Stupid After All.... 



 
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Marry a Teacher 1387 views
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"

Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
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Showing 0 - 9 of 326 People Jokes Next >>
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