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Showing 0 - 9 of 43 Scenario Jokes
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Airplane Pilot |
7278 views
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A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. 'The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!'
The intercom falls silent.
A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. 'I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,' he says.
'But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
'That's nothing,' a passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!' |
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Hell Isn't So Bad? |
7295 views
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A man dies and goes straight to hell for having lived a sinful life, and upon his arrival Satan asks him, "Do you like to drink?"
"Absolutely," says the man.
"Well, you'll love Thursdays then," says Satan. "All we do is drink beer, whiskey, vodka - anything you want. And you're dead, so there's no hangover."
"Sweet!" says the man.
"Do you like drugs? asks Satan. "Because it's same deal on Friday - all the drugs you can possibly take without any side effects."
"Awesome!" says the man. "There has to be some catch to all of this?"
"Not at all," says Satan. "You're gay, right?"
"No," says the man.
"Not even a little bit gay?" Satan asks.
"Not at all," says the man.
"Oh, well, then Saturdays are going to be a little rough!" |
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What Gives? |
1298 views
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An old hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up in his big book and says, “I’m sorry, but you’ll be going down to Hell.” The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance. “God!” he says. “What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we’d be in Heaven together forever!” God thought for a minute, then said, “Oh yeah, but I was drunk.” |
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Skinny Dipping |
1303 views
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One day Jimmy went down to the pond for a dip, but before he could dive in he spied his teacher, Mrs. Smith, emerging from nude bathing. When Mrs. Smith saw Jimmy, she grabbed the nearest object - which happened to be an old wooden box - and held it in front of her. "Young man, I know what you're thinking," she said. "And I know what you're thinking," replied Jimmy. "You're thinking that box has a bottom on it!" |
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Murderer Joke |
1258 views
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A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? Asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”
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Lawyer dies |
1382 views
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A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. “Hello mate” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.” “What?” exclaims the man, astonished. “You heard, no Lawyers.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man”, replies the Lawyer. “Oh really”, says St. Peter. “What have you done, then ?” “Well” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa”.
“Oh” says St.Peter. “anything else?” “Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.” “Hmmm. Anything else?” “Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay”, said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.” Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now fuck off” |
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Jack And Tom |
1362 views
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Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians.
Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks." Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians.
After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy.
Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this." Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy." Jack says, "I really think you should have a look." Tom says, "A*****e, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand." Jack says, "Please, Tom, take a look.
" Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there.
Tom says, "F**k! We're gonna be millionaires!" |
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The convincing lesson |
1278 views
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Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
_
/ \
| | O
\ _ /
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"
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The Mistaken Hiker |
1562 views
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A guy is hiking up a mountain when he notices a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying profusely.
“Hey,” he says, “if you’re going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?”
“My life’s been nothing but crap,” says the girl. “So I might as well.”
After the girl’s done, the guy says, “Wow, that was great. Why are you so depressed, anyway?”
The girl replies, “My family disowned me for dressing like a woman.”
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There is a blind man here to see you |
1770 views
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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
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Showing 0 - 9 of 43 Scenario Jokes
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