Jokes
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Showing 0 - 9 of 105 Simply Stupid
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What Color? |
7300 views
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Pete walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Give me white. I'll color it myself." |
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Harmless Practical Jokes |
7288 views
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Another harmless practical joke to be played on people living in multiple story apartment buildings is as follows: Knock on victim's door. Say, "I've got to use your window, someone's about to jump from an apartment above yours." Run to window and look outside, but don't let victim look.
At this point your accomplice dumps a rag-filled dummy either from the window above or from the roof. The dummy should be fully closed; for added realism put some plastic bags of fake blood inside the clothes. On the sidewalk below, a third accomplice puts down a plastic sheet, then covers it with a sheet painted to resemble the sidewalk. After the body hits, let the victim see the gore, then convince him to run down and help while you stay and call the ambulance.
As soon as the victim has left, signal your accomplice to remove the sheets and the dummy and head for some prearranged hiding place. Then you leave the apartment and disappear somewhere in the building; later, you make your way downstairs and leave. The victim will race downstairs expecting to find a dead bloody body and will instead see only clean, empty pavement.
Of course, it is best done late at night since the joke would be spoiled by a passer-by who informed the victim of the "body's" fate. The fun comes imagining the victim trying to convince the police or anyone else of what happened!
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A terrible problem |
1401 views
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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and closes the zipper.
The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.
Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.
After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask:
"Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"
"Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."
"But that's awfull! What do you take for it?"
"Pepper." Answers the man. |
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Trucker Hits a Pig |
1400 views
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A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.
“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”
“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”
The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.
“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.
The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.” |
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The son-in-law |
1435 views
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As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside her room.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What are you doing!?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law." |
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Row house |
1433 views
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A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike.
Every time the husband goes to the pub, he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.
To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to show which one is his house. So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered.
Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself, "There's my house and there's the lantern I put on the porch."
Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, "I knew it, this is my house, cause my key works."
Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom.
Upon entering he exclaims, "I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!" |
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Biology Class |
1427 views
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In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat." |
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25 year old Scotch Expert |
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A man traveling on business, walks into a local bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of 25 year old scotch. The bartender looking to have a little fun, and make a few extra dollars, pours the guy a shot of bar brand scotch. The businessman taking his first sip, realizes this is not what he ordered, calls over the bartender. "Excuse me, do you remember what I ordered". "Why certainly sir", says the bartender, "You wanted a shot of 25 year old scotch". "That is correct", replies the customer. "The scotch you served, can't be more than 2 years old". The bartender apologies, and goes off to correct his mistake. A little upset for being caught, the bartender again tries to fool his customer, by pouring him a shot of 12 year old scotch. After his first taste of the scotch, he immediately again knew, this was not the beverage of his choice. So once again, he calls over the bartender, to verify his drink order. "Bartender, can you tell me again what I ordered". "Yes sir, you ordered a shot of my 25 year old scotch". "Again that is correct". But unfortunately, the scotch you served is not more than 12 years old". At this point he bartender is impressed, and realizes the guy is a true connoisseur of scotch whiskey, and goes off to get his 25 year old scotch. With savoring only a few drops, the man knew he finally got what he ordered, and comments to the bartender, "Now this is, 25 year old scotch". The local drunk who witnessed everything, turns to the businessman and says, "Hey buddy, try this drink. The traveler not wanting any trouble, takes the glass from the drunk, and gives a taste. Immediately, the guy spits it out, and screams, "My god, this is urine". "Thats right", says the drunk, "But How Old am I?"
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Proper Wages |
1415 views
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A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"
"You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer. |
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Dangerous Wishes |
1563 views
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A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the
door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash - and his legs fall off.
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Showing 0 - 9 of 105 Simply Stupid
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